I originally came here to write about the film „Babygirl“. About why I liked it and why I was actually surprised how much I liked it. But then I realised, I have a lot more to say. It is going to be a lot in many ways, so brace yourself.
If you are active on the internet, there is a good chance you have heard about „Babygirl“, even if you’re not a film geek. „Babygirl“ is one of those films that delivers the perfect material for a solid TikTok and Instagram hype. Maybe you’ve recently come across a photo of Nicole Kidman on all fours, literally eating out of a young man’s hand. Or a photo of her standing in a corner with her back to the audience, like a little girl being disciplined. Yep, that’s „Babygirl“. The new film by Dutch director Halina Reijn tells the story of Romy (Nicole Kidman), a successful business woman, married, in a relationship with her husband for 19 years, mother of two teenage daughters, who gets drawn into an affair with Samuel (Harris Dickinson), a much younger intern from her own company.
I am a woman in my late forties. Okay, let’s spell it out loud and proud: I am going to be 50 this year. I have been in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship for more than 20 years now. I am a mother of two, one of whom is basically an adult, the other one a teenager. To my own surprise I have reached the age where I occasionally find younger men attractive. So that evidently makes me the perfect target audience for a film like „Babygirl“. And still, I was quite hesitant to watch it and even a bit scared I might hate it. Here’s why.
Being a woman is hard work
Okay, I was initially intrigued when I heard there was going to be a film about a hot affair between an older woman and a much younger man. While it is considered nothing special for men to have much younger wives and girlfriends, the reverse is still widely frowned upon by society: why should a hot, young man want anything to do with a wrinkly woman in her forties or fifties?! So yes, please, give it to us. But then I read the older woman was going to be played by Nicole Kidman. Don’t get me wrong: I have absolutely nothing against Nicole Kidman. As an actress I feel she is often underestimated. And hell yes, she’s beautiful. But she also looks like she works incredibly hard on being that beautiful. Is the film telling us this is the reward for all the hard work: getting laid by super hottie Harris Dickinson?
Here is the first point where I feel „Babygirl“ could have gone awfully wrong, but luckily took the right turn: the hard work to look beautiful is an important part of the film’s narrative. We see Romy do all the stuff she feels she needs to do: she does the Botox, the workout, the cryotherapy, the dresses so tight she can hardly move and the heels so high she can hardly walk. And her need for self-optimisation doesn’t stop at physical appearance. She does mind training and coaching as well. She essentially does everything to be the most beautiful woman, the best mother, the most supportive wife, the most qualified in her field of work, the best leader. Because nothing less is expected from us women, is it? As women, we can never let anything slip. Our appearance, our qualifications, our willingness to give love. We have to be on fleek, all the time.
In an early scene, Romy meets Samuel in the elevator, and he notices the fresh marks from her Botox session the previous day. „You don’t need that,“ he casually says. Later, after their affair has begun, he asks her to undress in front of him, and she feels incredibly insecure about doing so. All the work, all the effort, and she still hates herself. The aspiration to be perfect makes her move through life like one of the robots her company is developing. Samuel is like a shock to the system, a highly needed reboot. I can absolutely get on board with that.
BDSM as a safe space
The second reason why I was afraid „Babygirl“ might not be for me, is a rather personal one: I am just not into kinky sex. I am not into the idea of either role or power play. And I was worried „Babygirl“ might be attempting to sell us the exhausted narrative that a successful woman in a high-ranking position, a strong leader, secretly desires nothing more than being dominated by a mysterious, slightly dodgy man. That when actually given the choice, women opt for danger and excitement rather than being safe and in control, having security and real love.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely have nothing against kinky sex or even BDSM. When exercised correctly, it can be an empowering safe space, even a healing space. When I was only around 19, I found myself working as a dancer and hostess at a series of BDSM parties in Munich. It happened more or less by accident: my mom misunderstood the term „bondage“ in the job description, thinking it had something to do with magic shows, and encouraged me to apply. At the time I was in the midst of healing from an experience of sexual assault that happened on my 18th birthday, so this probably sounds like the wildest thing you could do. But what I experienced at these parties was an overwhelmingly positive atmosphere of respect and consent.
At the beginning of each shift we were asked to state our boundaries and were assured they would be respected at all times. I never had any experiences that contradicted that. Mingling with the audience, I was frequently asked if I would like to engage in sexual activity. I politely declined every single time and was always met with nothing but friendly understanding. What I did get, on the other hand, was a lot of compliments and kind words of appreciation. I was a 19-year old girl, teetering around on absurd high heels. There wasn’t a single part of my body I didn’t feel insecure about. And yet, people walked up to me and said: „You are so beautiful!“ It was literally the first time in my life anybody had called me that.
So yes, big props to the BDSM scene! But the sexual part of it just isn’t for me. I do not get any joy from the idea of dominating another person, nor do I want to be dominated by anyone. When it comes to sex, I prefer simplicity. Comfortable surroundings, another body I desire and, most of all, trust. Maybe that makes me sound boring and vanilla. I don’t think I am. I like intense sex. But personally I believe that the best way to be open and daring and ultimately fulfilled, happens when you are on an equal footing with your partner. Especially as a woman. The more secure you feel, the more daring and free you can eventually be.
But that’s just me, and I don’t intend to make this too much about my personal preferences. The much bigger problem I see lies in how BDSM is being portrayed in mainstream culture. This was exacerbated by the unspeakably stupid yet extremely popular disaster „50 Shades of Grey“, when in the early 2010s hordes of women rushed to buy fluffy pink handcuffs and matching whips. If done right, BDSM is a safe practice for everyone involved and has nothing to do with the sadistic and coercive relationship that „50 Shades of Grey“ tried to sell us as romantic. In the media, BDSM is often represented as a free ticket for men to do whatever they like to women – and women actually love it. Ick!
The legend of the „good girl“ isn’t really one
Luckily, „Babygirl“ is a lot less about BDSM than its most Instagrammable scenes and stills would have us believe. Yes, Samuel does all the „I want you to do everything I tell you to“ shit, and Romy is willing to go along with it. She is stuck in so many routines, as much in her everyday life as in her sex life, and he offers her a way to shake it up. What I really love though is that no one has a masterplan here. Samuel is not half as experienced and calculating as he might appear in the beginning. There is a scene where Romy drives him back to the station, after he showed up unannounced at her family’s country home to drop off her laptop, and their conversation in the car turns around to show they are both equally confused. Who is actually using who here? Who has more power over whom? Both Romy and Samuel have moments where they get to show their vulnerability. They both have their dark sides, and they are trying to find out how to deal with them, without hurting others. Their relationship becomes less and less about power dynamics and more about experiencing real physical joy with each other.
What is also interesting is that Romy perceives herself as much more of a reprobate than she actually is. Her fantasies are literally not that dark! And far from unusual. But as women, especially of my or Romy’s generation, we were raised to be reputable and civilized. The legend of the „good girl“ isn’t really one: it’s a stone cold fact. The only time my mom ever slapped me in the face was when a neighbor told her I’d been seen in town, making out with the dance teacher’s son. I was thirteen. It wasn’t even true. I didn’t even like the guy! But there was nothing she feared more than indecent behavior. She later said it didn’t even matter to her that it turned out not to be true. She hoped that the shock of her slapping me would deter me from ever kissing anyone in public.
A friend told me once that she has this fantasy of touching herself while her boyfriend is penetrating her. But she didn’t dare to tell him, let alone just do it, because she was worried he would be offended and think him penetrating her doesn’t do enough for her. You can hardly call this a dark fantasy, and yet she couldn’t talk about it. Women are quick to think something is wrong with them, when they have fantasies that involve prioritizing their own pleasure. All Romy wants is to be turned on her stomach and taken by hand from behind. What a bad, bad girl she is! Like, really?
„Your Body, My Choice“
As my timeline is currently being invaded by „Babygirl“ related posts, I recently came across a video review by influencer/comedian/podcaster Gabby Bryan. She clearly didn’t like the film, which is her right, but I found some of the points she made quite concerning from a feminist perspective. One was how hilariously unrealistic she found it that Romy could have been married to Antonio Banderas’ character for 19 years and yet never have had an orgasm with him. With a man as hot as Antonio Banderas?! How could that be?! I know it’s supposed to be funny. But the way Bryan kept emphasizing over and over how hot Antonio Banderas is clearly implied: it must be her fault. Something must be wrong with her. And why did she never say anything, in 19 years?! Now that’s at least her fault!
Sadly, nothing about that storyline felt unrealistic to me. I’ve talked to women who were in long term relationships and never had an orgasm with their partner. I’ve met women who never had an orgasm with anyone other than themselves. And I’ve met those who have never had an orgasm in their life at all. Far too many women blame themselves when they don’t experience the joy from sex they wish they could, rather than their (male) partners. So what if we just stopped pushing this narrative – „oh, the guy is so nice and so hot, it clearly can’t be his fault. She needs to loosen up“? What if we instead encouraged women to talk about and explore their actual needs? And then tell their respective partners how they want it to be done. Now that would be something!
And please, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that as a society we have moved beyond all this. We clearly have not. And we will be moving backwards in the foreseeable future, as women’s rights are being eroded again. Women will not be able to express their sexuality freely, when we take their reproductive rights away. And the way men increasingly, freely communicate their intent to suppress women and actually violate them, is extremely concerning. A recent investigation uncovered multiple Telegram group chats with up to 70.000 predominantly male members, communicating openly about assaulting women, bragging about their experiences and telling others how to commit similar acts. Americans proudly show off their “Your Body, My Choice” bumper stickers on social media. There is a frightening rise in rape culture these days.
Only last week I stumbled across a Reddit post by a young woman who felt her boyfriend had crossed her well expressed boundaries and then shamed her for „ruining the allure“ of his fantasy. The thread amounted to hundreds and hundreds of comments by women who had experienced similar, mostly by their partners, who they felt they knew and could trust. The fantasies these women felt pressured into or had had simply forced upon them all essentially meant discomfort for them, like cumming in their face or „accidental anal“ (which I was incredulous to learn is a widely used expression). The overall consensus in the thread was: way too many men, either consciously or subconsciously, get off on making women feel uncomfortable. Or even degrade them.
Having a daughter who is 19 years old now, I find all this very worrying. How are women supposed to freely and safely express and experience their sexuality, when there is so little security for them? When they constantly have to fear being coerced, pressured or even violated? This is one of the reasons why I find positive depiction of sexuality in media so utterly important. We only believe what we see. As women, we cannot be told enough that we have a right to experience sensual pleasures safely and joyfully. And media is the most powerful tool we have to perpetuate that idea.
Dancing for self empowerment
I guess that’s why ultimately I loved „Babygirl“. It is way less edgy and kinky than I expected it to be. There is a lot of sweetness, and many of the scenes are actually hot, especially where Romy feels safe with Samuel. I liked watching them explore their relationship. And also (skip here for spoilers!), as someone who is happy in a long term relationship, I liked that in the end there is light on that horizon as well.
„Babygirl“ also made me sad and weirdly happy at the same time. I felt so sad for Romy. She is so incredibly detached, not only from herself, her body and her desires, but also from her daughters, from everything that should be of inherently high value to her. It made me sad that a lot of women will probably see themselves in her character. And it made me selfishly happy that, to my own surprise, I don’t.
„Babygirl“ made me realise: I actually am a pretty liberated woman. As a survivor of sexual assault I managed to claim back my sexuality with the help of wonderful people who taught me I have a right to feel respected, desired and loved. And I learned, mostly by myself, to quickly walk away from everyone who does not fall into that category. I learned to be good on my own. Today I live in a relationship where we can both freely communicate our physical needs to each other and still like to meet them after more than 20 years of being together. I don’t blame myself for finding other people attractive sometimes. There are a lot of beautiful people out there, and not appreciating them seems unnatural to me. I am not ashamed of my fantasies. Some are there to be shared, and some are just mine.
One scene that also really stayed with me is when Samuel asks Romy to meet her at some industrial club techno party and she goes there on her own to find him. She has clearly not been to a club in a very long time, perhaps never. The music, the lights, the tight mass of dancing bodies feels scary, almost hostile to her at first, before she starts to ease into the situation and enjoy it. I love to go dancing. Only last year I started going to clubs on my own, to dance for a couple of hours and then crawl into bed next to my cosy, sleeping husband. And I started thinking about how much dancing and sexual liberation might be connected. My guess is: quite a lot. It is a way of exploring sensuality. It makes you feel at ease and in sync with your body. It makes you forget everything around you, except for this exact moment of pleasure you are experiencing right now.
So here’s my final plea: women, go out dancing. Wear clothes you feel sexy and comfortable in. Find yourself partners that make you feel secure and seen. Talk with them about what you want and what you like. Sex is so much less of a mystery than the media likes to tell us. A good lover doesn’t necessarily magically guess what turns you on. There is actually nothing sexier than someone bluntly asking you: „What can I do for you today?“ And you knowing there is no wrong answer to that question. And if there’s no one in your life at the moment to do that, be happy on your own. Masturbation is healthcare.
Oh, and go and watch „Babygirl“. You might end up liking it as much as I did.
Photos © A24 / Constantin Film